I Feel Fine
by Diane LD
Summary: Sunnydale's nothing but a crater now, and Buffy muses about the town and the people who changed her life.......Winner of Best Buffy Characterization at the Spike Threw the Heart Awards.


I FEEL FINE

A/N- Okay, so I was watching my 'Chosen' tape… and came up with this. 

Spoilers for the entirety of BtVS, including the last episode. Has a bit of B/A, Buffy POV.

Read and REVIEW, please!!! Sundevil009@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: Yeah. I'm Joss Whedon. I'm also a compulsive liar. : )

So begins the fic…

**

I can't believe it's actually gone.

Sunnydale.

The place where I spent seven years of my life.

The place where I found my first real friends, my first real love, and my first real despair.

The place where I fooled myself, lost myself, and found my self again.

I remember the first day I spent in Sunnydale, the one- Starbucks town in southern California. Far away from LA and the life I had there. I had actually thought I could escape my duty, my calling. Yeah. Right.

Willow and Xander were the greatest friends I could ever imagine having. They knew about the slaying, they knew who I really was and accepted it- something no one had ever done before. In LA I had Ford and Pike, but I don't think either of them really accepted my calling for what it was.

The first year in Sunnydale was spent with the Scoobies, fighting each week's new Big Bad. Then came the Master. And everything changed. I lost more than my life that night, but also something else. I lost my spirit. Willow and Xander were there to catch me when I fell, though, so I pulled out alright. I remember with a smile my so-called 'bitca' night. Thank god for Will and Xander.

Angel came next. He is most of my memories in that godforsaken town- the happy, the sad, the bad, and the ugly. All Angel. He was my first love. He was my first despair. That night of my seventeenth birthday I lost my virginity, but more importantly, my innocence. That was probably my single most horrifying moment, realizing it was my fault that Angelus was free. Only being resurrected comes close to that kind of pain.

Stabbing him with the sword, watching him being swallowed up into hell, running away, coming back- all revolved around that crater that once was my home.

Faith sits here on the bus beside me, looking out at the barren landscape that blurs from the bus' speed. She holds Robin's hand tightly, and it's a wonder she's not cutting off his circulation. Her eyes are glazed over, and I wonder if she's doing the same thing I am, thinking about the past and wondering about the future.

Faith caused me more pain than I'd like to admit. She was sister, a companion in a solitary calling. Her betrayal… even four years later… still hurts more than I thought possible. She sided with the Mayor, abused my friends and trust. She's changed now, I know, but I still can't help but remember everything she did to me. Every punch, every kick, every tiny scar from every brawl we had, physical and emotional. I learned a lot about myself from Faith. How everyone has the potential for evil, how everyone is tempted sometimes.

When Angel left me, I was shattered. Sunnydale held too many memories, haunting me with everything I looked at. I couldn't patrol- the cemetery reminded me too much of Angel. I couldn't go to the movies- reminded me too much of Angel. I couldn't even go anywhere in a ten-block radius of Crawford Street. It's a wonder I didn't run away then. It's a wonder I even survived at all.

College came and I tried to forget Angel and the love we shared. Yeah, like that'll happen. Seven years after we first met and I'm still hopelessly in love with him, even after all the pain and anguish that our love brought, even after years of separation. He came to me, before the last battle and I told him I wasn't ready. He said he would wait.

I told him the truth. Sometimes I do look into the future, and five years after he first asked me that question, the answers still the same. All I see is him. All I want is him. 

You cant choose who you love, I guess. We're destined to be with each other. Fate's funny like that. Why'd they have to go all Romeo and Juliet on me? I've decided on a new motto. Don't get me wrong, I'm still gonna follow my "Carpe Diem," because, come on! It's a classic. But I've decided on a new saying. "Everything is alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."

It's definitely not the end.

The Potentials that survived are getting restless, becoming increasingly louder on the back of the bus. I shouldn't say that anymore, should I? They're all slayers now. They all have the power. Kennedy and Willow are getting with the smoochies and Xander watches them mournfully. Anya is gone, yes, but she helped save the world. I hope that gives him some comfort.

I know I'll miss Anya. Her blunt statement that always made my eyes widen. Her and Xander's relationship, in all of its complications, was true, and Xander's grieving. When Andrew said she had saved him, Xander made a trademark amusing comment, but in his eyes I saw the pain and the shining pride.

Anya's apart of Sunnydale now. I know Xander will have a proper memorial for his once-fiancée, but her body and spirit will always reside in Sunnydale.

I remember learning to live again after I lost my love. The first time- I didn't do so well. Acathla's mouth closed and I ran. The second time- well, that, that I like to call "The College Years." I hope Xander does better than I did.

When Angel left me for the bright lights of LA, I was broken, a hollow shell of my former self. I met Parker and tried to drown myself in him. Didn't work. Only thing it did was make me learn a very valuable lesson about casual sex.

And that Thanksgiving with Angel… that broke my heart even more. He thinks I don't remember our day together. Ha. As if I'd ever forget. I made a promise to the man I loved, told him I'd never forget. I haven't broken that promise.

Riley came, along with Adam and the Initiative. He was nice and fun and he made me forget, at least for a little while. But he was no Angel, and I used him. I never really apologized for that. I'm glad he's happy with Sam. He deserves happiness after all I did to him.

Sunnydale is the resting place of my mother, and I shudder at the thought of her body, probably blown to smithereens by the blast. I remember finding her, on the couch in the front room of the house. I remember calling to her. I remember her not waking up.

I remember her funeral. Dawn was crying as she held my hand, and I tried to be strong for her, struggled not to cry as they shoveled the dirt over her casket. I waited for sunset and Angel came, like I knew he would. He helped me get to the tomorrow I was dreading. I wanted him to stay forever. 

I really wanted him to stay forever.

And then Glory and Dawn and I was told about a gift. The First Slayer, in her ever-haunting ways, informed me that 'death is my gift.' Oh yeah. I was excited. Ecstatic. Couldn't wait.

When I finally understood what she meant… well, I accepted it. I jumped off that tower and received my promised gift. My final peace.

My grave is in Sunnydale, too. I rose, like a living vampire, clawed myself out from six-feet under. The skin that tore and bruised on my knuckles didn't heal for a long time. I still have scars, and I flinch everytime I look at them. They remind me of dying. They remind me of rising. They remind me of the things I did after that.

Willows fall into darkness- I can't help but feel my resurrection was a part of that. She reeked havoc on our Hellmouth, grieving over Tara. I miss Tara, too. She was always quiet and understanding. She listened and she didn't judge me when I told her about Spike.

Spike. 

I sigh, looking around the bus again, trying to distract myself. I knew my thoughts would come to him eventually, but with his death still fresh- it hurts. A lot.

He was the one I lost myself in. He was the one who I told I was in heaven. He was the one who got a soul for me. True, it was after he attempted to rape me, but a girl cant help but be flattered that a guy obtained a soul for her.

He proved himself last night. He was a champion in his final hour. The amulet worked for him, he said he could, for the first time, 'feel his soul.'

And then I remember, as the cave rumbled and threatened to collapse, how he sacrificed himself, and a tear rolls down my cheek.

I told him I loved him, and he smiled sadly. He knew I didn't. He told me so. But he thanked me for saying it. And I'm glad I did.

He was right. I didn't love him. But at least he got to hear it.

So here I sit, looking out the window of a hijacked school bus headed to LA.

The City of Angels. 

The City of my Angel.

I'm not the only Slayer anymore, and Sunnydale is just a crater in the California landscape.

Giles in driving the bus as best he can, but we're being constantly bumped around. Some of the girls look as though they're gonna puke, and I chuckle slightly. I remember Giles' old Citroen, then his flashy, red sports car. Who would have thought his vehicle of choice would be a school bus?

One of the girls asks him to turn on the radio, and he obliges, turning the dials as he tries to keep his eyes on the road. Michael Stipe's voice blares out of the speaker, and Giles chuckles at the R.E.M. classic that has come on. "How appropriate."

//_It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.//_

I laugh openly, and for the first time in a long while, I feel free.

The world as I knew it is gone, as is Sunnydale.

And you know what?

I feel fine.

**


End file.
